untitled

have you ever watched people really closely before? not just going to eastdale mall and sitting at the food court watching all the strange people walk by, but have you watched closely the way people interact with people before? i think it has become so commonplace with reality tv and all the crazy stuff that you can even see in real life that we have this really deep, sickening ugliness inside of us. i think we all try to ignore it in some way because we don't want to accept that we are capable of being that awful, but when i really sit back and watch someone yell, curse, or hit someone, or even just see someone say something so small that absolutely destroys someone else, it has begun to make me wonder what their motives are. do they really want to hurt that person? what about the good they had together? where did that go? did they have a temporary memory lapse or are we all just doomed to hurt one another? like i said, i think that it's such a commonplace experience that we don't really think about it a whole lot. but lately, i've been doing a lot of thinking. i think so much it gets overwhelming most of the time. but i have been thinking about those sorts of things. watching people. seeing people hurt people. i help out at a girls' home once a week and listen to their stories. i love feeling like i am one of those that is chosen to be able to listen to their horrific stories and be able to let it just wash over me and not eat me alive, but with all of this thinking i've been doing, i started to wonder about the people that hurt them. a lot of them have been raped by close relatives or beaten or even just irrevocably hurt emotionally, and i always just end up passively wondering about those that have hurt them. maybe it was "all they ever knew." that still just doesnt seem like reason enough to me. even the sweet girls that i adore have told me stories about the things they themselves have done. i've watched two of them fight each other before. i adore each one of the girls for a different reason, and i have a lot of trouble as seeing them in such a dark kind of light. i feel like there should be some sort of rational explanation, but the more i think about it, the only two conclusions i can come to are that we as humans either entirely want to hurt each other with all our hearts or we are entirely deep in sin and so so so in need of rescue or both. i have been on a sort of lifelong journey over these last 17 and a half years trying to answer life's questions, and i find beautiful answers to them in the strangest places. it's interesting, because i feel like i've come in and out of the desert so many times spiritually over the last several years, but i learn the most when i'm in the desert. i just don't understand it until i'm out. and i guess on my way out, i'm looking back seeing that i am just as depraved and in need of rescuing as anybody else, something i inherently have tried to deny for a very long time.