revelation

so I guess we might have sort of established at this point in our relationship, dear reader, that I am a Christian. If not, please refer to the box to the right entitled ''about me''. Hopefully you already knew though. So anyway, I'm reading this new book called ''blue like jazz'' and it's been really cool. Almost riveting in a way for me, because it's just kind of this really cool guy that is just relating his Christian experiences, but in the most nonthreatening and overbearing way possible, which has been a balance I've yet to grasp. I go to school with people of all different faiths and a lot of times I feel like I am a minority, and that's probably because I am. I mean there are other people that are Christians, but I don't know that they are very deep thinkers. Ot that I am judging anyone, because sometimes people are totally A-OK with just not really going into a lot of detail about God. But my thinking is that since this is essentially the very most important aspect of my life, I would like to dig into it. Sometimes it's provoked by this deep lostness that still plagues me at times, as I attempt to reconcile the fact that I am so, so very broken with the fact that I am so, so very saved. Sometimes it makes me angry, because I know that this must be some sort of ploy by the devil to take away all the joy that guides me. In fact I know it is. But that doesn't change the fact that there are still questions that bubble to the top of my head, as a holy fire burns deep in my heart. It's been a long road, but I am slowly finding answers to my questions. A lot of my answers simply sound something like this: ''be still and know that I am God.'' others have more concrete evidence, like in the words of an earthly counselor or friend. They even come in the heavy breeze of a night with a pink sunset. It's strange though, because there is this deep, looming feeling that I get whenever I am alone that taunts me and tells me I am not good enough, that I'm hardly even a Christian, and more of a failure than a product of grace. Maybe it's just the unbelieving human in me, or maybe it's something else. If you're wondering what that something else is, I really don't know either. Maybe it's just that I haven't had a great day (which is usually the case), but every time it comes up, I try incredibly hard to reconcile it. And a lot of reconciliation that I have found has been in donald miller's words describing his belief. They came as answers, actually, to a lot of the why's and how's that floated around in my head for a very long time. Two particular passages that really responded to some of the questions in my mind:

(talking about a friend that God was really chasing after, but she didn't feel like she was ready or willing to be a Christian)
"I had no explanation for Laura. I dont think there is an explanation. My belief in Jesus did not seem rational or scientific, and yet there was nothing I could do to separate myself from this belief. I think Laura was looking for something rational, because she believed that all things that were true were rational. But that isn't the case. Love, for example, is a true emotion, but it is not rational. What I mean is, people actually feel it. I have been inlovve, plenty of people have been in love, yet love cannot be proved scientifically. Neither can beauty. Light cannot be proved scientifically, and yet we all believe in light and by light see all things. There are plenty of things that are true that don't make any sesnse. I think one of the problems Laura was having was that she wanted God to make sense. He doesn't. He will make no more sense to me than I will make sense to an ant."

This for some reason really stood out to me. I think what I really got from it was that no matter how hard i struggle and toil and wait for God to come rationally--in some way that i can explain him to my nonchristian friends-- there won't be a logical explanation for Him. to rationalize God would be to take away the essential nature of His character, to strip him of being a God at all. and i guess that's why it provides comfort to see that at least someone else is struggling with the same things i struggle with. the wondering, the frustration, the confusion. you want there to be a way to explain. desperately. so you can show people the Light at the end of the tunnel. but the reality is, you can't experience anything for someone, and as much as i wish i could, i can't make you experience what i've experienced or lead you on the path i took to God. it just has to come together at the right time-- a truly impossible concept to grasp.

the next passage that brought tears to my eyes was simply miller's explanation of the Christian faith, which provided a lot of answers to my frustrations about not being able to explain my faith properly.

"In his book Orthodoxy, G.K. Chesterton says chess players go crazy, not poets. I think he is right. you'd go crazy trying to explain penguins. It's best just to watch them and be entertained. I don't think you can explain how Christian faith works either. It is a mystery. And I love this about Christian spirituality. It cannot be explained, and yet it is beautiful and true. It is something you feel, and it comes from the soul."

with that being said, there isn't much i could add to or take away from that that could more accurately portray my exact feelings and emotions on why i believe in God and more importantly why i love Him more than anything. there is only such a small distance that words can go, and the rest is left to revelation.